With the new year comes the new me! Or the old me…. not quite sure which lol. What I am sure of is that the dark cloud I’ve had above my head these past 5 years is finally lifting and I’m beginning to see the FULL sky… and it is sunny, and bright, and beautiful!
For those of you that don’t know, I’ve suffered from depression for a few years now. Mental health should always be at the top of our list for keeping in check and when I became a mother I put myself at the bottom of that list. So much so that I was even willing to try and work things out when I found out my fiance was cheating on me. Thank the gods it only took him a few weeks to move in with someone else lol the complete opposite to me – the final straw from which we could never return.
Parenthood wasn’t at all what it cracked up to be. I had always assumed I’d be an absolute natural at motherhood. I loved cooking, I loved cleaning, I loved kids! I was in my 30’s and most of my friends had kids so I was no stranger to babies. I had a time frame, I had an ‘image’ in my mind of the things I wanted to achieve which I carefully ticked off my list throughout my years of travelling and serving my country in the Navy. I WAS READY. What I would soon realise is that the reality of being a parent 24/7 is VERY different than being a playmate for a few hours or a night to your friends children. Looking after a life, surviving on ZERO sleep, recovering from an emergency C-Section (after 26 hours of labor might I add!), WAS NOT FUN. And I chose to do it with a partner who did not by all means bring out the best in me. He managed to keep his priorities in check no problems – enough said.
Getting over a broken heart is hard enough when all you have to think about is yourself. Add in a baby, postnatal depression due to the shock of pregnancy, labor and motherhood…. and a partner that did not support me in the ways that I needed. I’m so grateful that I’ve had such amazing help from my parents – without them I don’t know how I would have survived. My dad has been my saving grace! There are some good men in this world lol.
Now – 4 years on…. I find myself feeling like ME again. Dressing like ME again. Putting effort into the way I look, the way I speak and having energy to actually do those simple things I couldn’t do for so long! Living in a dark hole wanting to bury yourself is a horrid thing to experience. I can understand why people turn to drugs and alcohol to cope with life… I’m so grateful that my choice of poison to cope is ART!
I never realised that in motherhood I would learn more about myself than anything else. How much I could keep going even though I didn’t want to. How much I could handle constant repetitive LOUD screaming, crying and whinging ALL NIGHT LONG for years. And most of all how I could do it ALL ON MY OWN!
Now it’s time to rebuild myself, my life, and turn into the mother I always wanted to be. After all it’s in the darkness that we grow the most!
So watch out world…. HERE I COME!
Thank you for taking the time to read and sharing in my journey. Below is afew links to some YouTube tutorials I’ve been working on lately. You can also connect with me on FB, Instagram and Tik Tok.